Motherhood is hard. Hard in ways you don’t anticipate. You feel like you can never fully rest and nothing is ever good enough. You invest so much of yourself in your children and at times feel like you’ve lost yourself. Any time you take a large chunk of time to indulge in your hobbies, there’s this nagging sense of guilt. It’s a constant balancing act of maintaining yourself as well as prioritizing your family.

I have been a Mom for 6 years now. A huge chunk of that time, was during the pandemic. The past year has been full of change for my family. Like most people, the pandemic was incredibly difficult and changed the way I did things. Unlike most, I am struggling to return to normal and I don’t go out as much as I used to. I haven’t fully recovered from the depression I experienced during the pandemic and I haven’t been myself. 

I used to go to concerts. That was my main hobby. My favorite were the concerts at the record store Amoeba Music. Discovering new artists and reveling in favorites. Amoeba holds a special place in my heart and has been like a reliable friend to me. Unfortunately, they had to move from their old location and opened a new one after the pandemic. It’s hard to get used to since I went to the old location for about 17 years. But I’m starting to adjust and last year I finally went to a concert at their new location. 

One of my brothers invited me to come with him to meet the band Sleater-Kinney at Amoeba. I didn’t get too excited because things can always change and it might not happen. This has unfortunately been how I frame things now (but in all fairness, I’ve always framed things like this, there’s just more hurdles now that I’m a Mom). When the time came to leave for the concert, my husband watched the kids while I trekked an hour away to the signing. I got there in time and then the excitement started. I haven’t met an artist I admired in like 10 years and I never thought I would have this opportunity. 

As the line started moving, I started to get emotional and memories of Sleater-Kinney started flooding my mind. Going back to high school and remembering a girl, who was a friend of a friend, mention they were her favorite band. Then listening to them for myself and frequently playing The Woods on CD in my bedroom. Looking forward to when the music video to “Entertain” would pop up on IMF (International Music Feed, a short-lived TV station). When Sleater-Kinney went on hiatus, I still followed what Carrie Brownstein was doing. I remember discovering Thunderant on my computer in my dorm room in college and then becoming a huge Portlandia fan. I saw a phenomenal performance by Carrie’s other band, Wild Flag, at my old favorite venue in LA, Spaceland, and years later, at El Rey. Amongst fellow enthusiastic fans, I saw Portlandia live at the Echoplex. Everything came to mind of how much the band (and Carrie) were a part of my formative years.  

As we approached, I kept thinking about the right thing to say. I guess there are no perfect words. There are tons of people that they meet and they’ll inevitably forget most of the interactions. But as an adult, you ultimately want an artist to know that what they do has purpose and is of importance. As I walked to the table, Carrie immediately said something like, “We’ve met before, haven’t we?” I get this a lot; maybe it’s because some people think I look like Anne Hathaway…I don’t know. I nervously responded with, “I saw you at Spaceland once?” That’s all I could think of because it was a small venue. She said, “No that’s not it…what’s your name?”  I responded and then said to them both, “Your music means so much to me. Thank you for doing this signing.” They both said thanks, we took our picture, and then they handed me the signed record. My brother met them too and got Carrie to take a fun picture with a picture of Fred Armisen with a Portlandia “put a bird on it” tattoo my brother got, from when I met Fred years ago. She said that now he needs to take a picture of that with a real bird. 

I know I needed this more than they did. And I don’t know if they’ll understand how impactful a small little signing is for some people. I have felt lost as a mother. This signing rejuvenated me and gave me excitement I haven’t felt in a long time. It brought me back to when I was younger and more optimistic. It made me remember things I haven’t thought about in a long time. It made me think more about who I am and who I was. And thanks in part to them, who I will become.